33 Weeks. Wow! Baby Girl and I only had 2 appointments this week. One with the regular OB for my non-stress test and one with MFM for a BPP. Again, everything looked beautiful on the NST. Her heart rate was accelerating when she moved and then returning to baseline. Every time they hook me up to that machine I feel like I am at the racetrack. Her heartbeat sounds like a galloping horse. My blood pressure remains completely normal and my weight is still on track.
Baby Girl also passed her BPP with 8 out of 8 points again. Amniotic fluid looks good, placenta seems ok, baby is moving around in there doing her baby yoga while staying head down. And she is doing her practice breathing consistently. Aside from my new found discomfort this week in my lower pelvis and my inability to get a good night's rest, everything has been moving along pretty swimmingly.
Until the doctor came in and we started talking about her measurements. Just three weeks ago she was measuring 3 pounds 6 ounces, ranking her in the 68th percentile. This week she is measuring 5 pounds 7 ounces, shooting her into the 82nd percentile. Not what I wanted to hear. Also her abdominal measurement is slightly ahead of that at the 91st percentile. I felt disappointment. Guilt. Failure.
I was hoping I would have the exemplary pregnancy with type 1 diabetes. I was hoping I would not have a "big baby"associated with poor diabetes control. My control has been fantastic throughout my pregnancy, but others will still attribute her size to something I did. And I did do a lot... right. I've stalked my blood sugar into compliance most of the time. But it doesn't seem to be enough. I feel exactly like Kim in this post.
Maybe I would have had a larger baby even without diabetes in the picture. I was born over 5 pounds at just 34 weeks. Baby girl isn't too far ahead of that. But maybe I should have contacted my endo sooner when I was noticing some periods of high blood sugar. Maybe I should have bolused earlier to prevent some after meal spikes. Maybe I should never have looked at Doritos during this pregnancy. Maybe, maybe, maybe... the truth is, it's impossible to know. All I can do is my best, and that's what I've been doing all along. But I still feel like I've let her down, as if I haven't given my daughter the best environment to grow and develop.
Many bloggers including myself have said before that diabetes comes with a lot of guilt. Guilt about what you eat or don't eat, guilt about how much insulin you might require compared to someone else, guilt over complications that arise. This pregnancy is no exception. The guilt is intensified because not only do my actions affect me, they directly affect my baby. I only want the best for her.
I know having a bigger baby isn't the worst thing that could happen. Compared to all the other risks, it doesn't even sound like it should be an adverse outcome. Only this time when someone assumes her size is "because of my diabetes," I might have to agree. And in that, I feel like diabetes won this round.
Her size will continue to be monitored. If she stays on this trend, she will likely need to be born at 37 weeks. Like many other things, we will just watch and wait. Hopefully seeing her chubby little cheeks when she gets here will melt the guilt away.
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