New Normal

I can't believe how time flies with little E.  Today was my first day back to work and I was dreading leaving her all day!  She was in my mom's loving hands, but not it mine.  Sometimes after I put her to bed I miss her and actually look forward to picking her up for her night feeding.  Sounds sick for a new mom, right?  Believe me, not every day is like that.  As in I have ignored the whimpering on the monitor for as long as possible before dragging myself out of bed to avoid screams.  I have wished for an hour when I could take a shower [everyday] without dragging a bouncer into the bathroom only to get out of the tub with a head full of shampoo to soothe an overwrought baby.  I have sadly mastered how to eat breakfast without getting toast crumbs in E's hair because I am usually holding her during all mealtimes while B is at work.

I used to take going to the store for granted. Grocery shopping is now a treat to get out of the house.  It used to be so easy to run an errand which now requires planning and may not happen at all until someone is available to watch E.  Since it's been subzero degrees and E is so little I can't imagine getting her all bundled up just to pick up some Q-tips and a bag of marshmallows.

Regardless of these lifestyle changes, my love for E only grows.  One look at her smiling face erases the tiredness from the night before.  The smell of her head and the feel of her silky smooth hair on my cheek when I'm holding her melts my stress away.  Her beautiful blue eyes are ridiculous.  And when the tears fall from them, they nearly fall from my own.  Everyday I am more in love.  It is so fun learning about what makes her tick.  Seeing the changes and developments in her is so amazing.  My recent favorite is her "talking".  She will have conversations with us that are shockingly long.  And she loves looking in the mirror.  She is growing leaps and bounds and waiting for no one.

Having a child has changed me in many ways.  I worry more.  At the same time that I worry, I realize that I cannot control everything no matter how much I want to.  I can't prevent her from getting sick, or being tired when she refuses sleep.  I may not be able to help ease her bellyache.  I have to relinquish control and just accept that life is going to happen to her.  She's going to be uncomfortable or upset or hurt and sometimes I can't prevent it or help it.  Sometimes all I can do is hold her close and let her cry. And so I do.  So I do.